Anxiety Immersion - Getting Through The Tough Stuff
I’ve had a rough month so far.
Even typing that out has me trying to rationalize with myself and make it seem like that hasn’t been the case.
The conditioning to make it seem like everything is great when it’s not runs deep. It’s the ultimate response of “Good! How about you?” when someone asks you how you’re doing.
I’ve done some great stuff this month. If you scroll my camera roll then you’d surely agree.
But even so, this month has been tough for me.
It’s not the fact that I haven’t done anything great, because we both know now that I have. It’s more so the fact that my mental state has not been great.
A week before we left on a 10 day trip at the end of June Lily had a flare up. You know, the explosive diarrhea at all times of the day for multiple days type of flare up. Luckily she mostly cleared things up by the time we left but that sent me into a frenzy that droned on in the background of my mind throughout the entire time we were gone.
When we came back she was good but I wasn’t.
I thought it was just the post-vacation blues. You know how it is. You go away for days at a time. Good food, free time, low stress levels, and fun adventure are all on the menu. When you come home the menu changes.
Either way, it’s obvious now that three weeks later it isn’t the post-vacation blues.
I’ve been to the emergency room multiple times for mistaking an anxiety attack for dying. To those who haven’t experienced debilitating anxiety this sounds ridiculous. But to those who have, you guys get it.
The first time this happened was December 4, 2013.
Side note: hospital patient portals are so cool. Getting to look at literally every medical visit since 1994 is some enlightening shit! Talk about tracing back patterns and symptoms to piece together root causes. So cool!
Anyways, on December 4, 2013 I was heading to work at TJ Maxx. I liked the early morning shifts and this was an early one. I made it about 5 minutes from home before I began to notice that my lips were feeling puffy and swollen. I couldn’t stop touching them. Even though I have never had an allergic reaction to anything, that’s where my mind went. I thought that I was having an allergic reaction. Panic flooded every cell of my being and I immediately turned around and went home where I proceeded to have a full blown panic attack. I called for my mom and insisted that I needed to go to the ER because I was dying. She got herself out of bed and took me, and they diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder, of course.
I didn’t really care or do much with that information. I wasn’t convinced that it was actually the issue. And even if it was, I was a vegan yogi. I wasn’t taking medication for it and I was sure there were some meditations I could find to fix it. Over the years I began to recognize that I actually was anxious, panic attacks were just that regardless of the yoga or diet, and existing in the ways that I did/do are not healthy or normal no matter how common it may be.
From January to the beginning of June this year I have been pretty stable and solid when it comes to my emotional state. The word that keeps coming up for me is: centered.
I was feeling centered.
And then it was all washed away. Just. Like. That.
This has shown me a few things but two big things are: we often think we’ve healed things that we have just covered up, upkeep on your mind, body, and spirit is crucial, and we are the ones who hold ourselves back the most.
I was big on German New Medicine for quite a while. And that’s not to say that I don’t like it or believe in it anymore. I have just backed up and viewed it from some different perspectives. I credited GNM with helping me to heal the health anxiety that I had. I still do, to an extent. Simultaneously, I was many months into a very consistent morning routine that rocked my socks. This morning routine brought me peace, mindfulness, presence, and centeredness.
Combine the two and I was cruising.
My sleep schedule became complicated earlier this year and I was beginning to have to choose sleep or the morning routine. For a while I chose the morning routine, but ultimately I chose sleep.
As for GNM, I questioned it from a few perspectives but that’s another story for another day.
I’ve also been preparing to make some big decisions and changes in my life. I recognize that sometimes when I do this I am met with overwhelming stress, anxiety, and paranoia about other aspects of life. Those feelings are all consuming and I subconsciously pick random things to hone in on. Doing this prevents me from being able to focus on any other aspect of life to the point where I don't even feed myself or drink enough water.
What’s important to recognize here is that I took away two components of mental stability while making big moves and that all led to an emotional crumbling.
That poses the question - am I truly healing or am I covering things up with attachments to beliefs and practices?
I’ve been sitting with this and really feeling into it.
My conclusion is that the answer isn’t a simple one.
Practices are potent and powerful when the practices are just that, practices. When the practices become the lifejacket they begin to hold us back. Practice or lifejacket? Determining which is which can be tough. The main question I ask is: does this enhance my life, or is this something that I fall apart without? If it enhances your life, it is magic. If it is a lifejacket, it’s something to explore a bit further.
Understanding that which holds you back is important too. We hold ourselves back so much. I 100% believe that self sabotage is a subconscious program that wants to keep me as comfortable and safe as possible. I appreciate the concern, but no thanks. I’m ready to grow.
Awareness.
Just the act of bringing awareness to all of this begins to integrate and shift it. Once you view things from a new perspective you are able to explore that perspective as you continue to wade through the mud. Eventually the mud lessens and the ground becomes stable again. You just have to keep going.
Trust.
Keep your head up and looking forward with trust that things will dry up.
Finding your own practices that help you to cultivate awareness and trust without placing a white knuckle grip on them is key. Energy flows with space and ease. When we grip onto things so tightly that stops the energy from being able to flow and that’s when we get stuck in the mud.
And so, that’s what I’m working on this week. Awareness. Trust. Letting that energy flow. I invite you to join me. Let’s take these practices within.
