What Offends You Can Set You Free - Self Reflection and Acceptance
This week someone told me that I am cold hearted.
At first I was offended. Me? Cold hearted? No way!!
“I am not cold hearted,” I repeatedly declared while being upset that they would even think such a thing.
I let that simmer in me all night. I could hardly sleep and it just swam around in my mind over and over.
I woke up this morning feeling groggy but ready to get up because I had places to be and people to see. As I did my morning routine, walked Lily, and threw together breakfast before scrambling out the door I kept thinking about the fact that someone thinks I’m cold hearted enough to say it to my face when it is clearly so untrue. All while thinking of all of the ways that I am absolutely not cold hearted and so very much the opposite.
What’s really interesting is that I have been rewatching coaching calls from a leadership group that I was in late 2020. In one of the recent calls that I watched, something like this was spoken on (talk about synchronistic!) and after hours of wallowing I remembered this and that brought a new perspective to things.
We learn so much each and every day. Where we often fall short is implementation. We move at such a fast pace that we are unable to pull from our well of knowledge and integrate it in the present moment.
So I remembered that if someone sees you in a certain way, there are aspects of their perspective that are true.
And if something someone says upsets you, then there are aspects of it that you believe are true too. If that wasn’t the case then you wouldn’t be upset about it.
So.
I am cold hearted and I am also not cold hearted.
Okay. Acceptance of being cold hearted activated.
Let’s go deeper.
We can be both/and. In fact, 99% of the time we are. It’s very rare that humans are either/or when it comes to personality traits or emotions. I can be cold hearted and immensely compassionate and loving. I can be the nicest person ever and I can be mean and hurtful. I can be playfully funny and absolutely serious. I can be intentional about any of those things or I can move from a subconscious space.
To think otherwise is a game of the ego licking its wounds.
For me it’s not enough to know that I am cold hearted. I want to go into that further. Why am I cold hearted? How am I cold hearted? Is my cold heartedness reasonable? Do I want to change it?
I am cold hearted because the topic at hand is one that has been ongoing and deeply hurtful. Initially I was not cold hearted in this situation. Quite the opposite actually, but the ongoing toxicity and emotional turmoil caused by the circumstances has resulted in me hardening my heart to the situation. I think that my cold heartedness is completely reasonable because I view it as a boundary and protection from people that I can not just cut out. Love and light are great but boundaries that create peace within yourself are equally important. I don’t want to change the way I feel right now because I recognize that doing so would enable the toxic behavior to continue.
And so, I recognize that I am cold hearted in one aspect of things while also understanding how I am very loving and compassionate in other ways.
Acceptance of that which you deny being true is the quickest path to freedom.
After I realized that I am cold hearted my heart softened. It didn’t necessary soften towards the situation specifically, but it softened in general. My day got brighter and things felt lighter. I embraced that aspect of me because duality is key to fully living out the human experience.
I am cold hearted and I am open and loving. I am both/and, not either/or and it is absolutely okay with me that both are true. Both might not be true to you, as you see me one way from your individual interactions with me and your perspective could be different than the next persons. That is okay with me. What anyone else thinks of me is not my business and it is not my responsibility. Because I know who I am. I am confident in how I am in the world. And I absolutely love both aspects, cold and warm, and every aspect in between. That is what sets me free.
The next time you feel resistance to something someway says about you, I encourage you to lean in instead of lashing out. See what parts of it are true and how they have come to that conclusion. Of course, this is not relevant to relationships where the other person is abusive in any way. But, otherwise, lean in. Ask questions. Get curious. Recognize it. Embrace it or change it. Revel in the human experience and free yourself.
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