Reviving My True Self

I’ve come to recognize that I have been quite complacent over the past few years. The whole Covid lockdowns ordeal plunged me into isolation that I’ve become quite comfortable in. I won’t just blame Covid, because being poisoned by mold definitely played a role too.

I used to go out in the world. I used to have friends. I used to go to workout classes. I used to live a different life.

But the timespan of 2020-mid 2021 was an extra special form of fucked up that removed me from heading to a coffeeshop to work, going to a random yoga or spin class, and socializing in general.

I lost a lot (by a lot I mean basically all) of my friends over disagreements pertaining to the state of the world. Isn’t it wild that you can literally invest years into a friendship and have no idea that you would disagree so vehemently over something like politics or medical decisions and as a result the friendship is terminated? This whole debacle was such a great illuminator, the fastest way to find your people, or lack thereof. In my experience it has become much harder to find people who actually want to be friends and to invest in the relationship.

We’ve all become a new version of ourselves. Gone are the days of the past, the new digitally-immersed world is here.

Why go to a yoga class when I can do one in my bedroom on Youtube? Why go to a coffeeshop when I can just work from home and not leave the house? Why make friends in person when I can just make them on Instagram?

The convenience of the current state of the world is alluring but it has left me complacent, comfortable, and unfulfilled.

I think this has been brewing for a while. I see it in the plans made with others that are cancelled at the last minute. I see it in the anxiety that I get when I have to go out and socialize. I see it in the things I did before Covid that I revisit now and am enveloped in such a relieving essence of normalcy. I see it when I look at all of the things that were forced out of my life in 2020, all of the things that I never took the responsibility to pick back up.

And so, this year I made some resolutions. I know that a lot of people hate on New Years Resolutions, which is fine because just like everything else, they’re not for everyone. But there are people that can instill the habit within their life, make those changes, and achieve those goals. That was me prior to 2020 and I decided that I will embody that once more this year.

One of the goals that I had for this year was to go snowboarding. Mitch and I were invited in January but it wasn’t the right time to go, and so we didn’t. We were then invited again this month and said yes. Let’s just say that I had a horrible time, basically hating every minute of it, but I still did the thing. I was anxious about going because it was a completely new thing and I was the only newbie going. That alone put me way out of my comfort zone. Combine that with the lack of support and instruction when attempting to snowboard (I will be investing in lessons!), it was a recipe for true misery. But I went and I lasted about 2 hours before I was over it for the day. It doesn’t seem like much, but 2 hours of something new and primarily done alone is huge. It’s the beginning. Never underestimate that.

I had time to reflect and I am determined to learn to snowboard. Everyone told me that it is hard and more difficult to grasp than skiing (which I’ve also never done) but that is fine because I am determined to learn. It might not happen this year, but if it doesn’t then I will be out there at the start of the season next winter and I will learn.

I never would have made this decision to learn if I didn’t push that anxiety aside and go have a terrible experience the first time. I never would have tried something new and achieved one of my 2023 goals.

The feeling of anxiety, stress, worry, or whatever it may be will most likely still be there and the key to still doing the thing is just that - you just suck it up and still go do the thing.

Something that wasn’t on my list of goals and resolutions for this year was running a marathon. Now, this is something that I have always wanted to do. It’s actually something I consider making a goal for each year but never have. It’s a big one! Intimidating!

I was an avid runner for years. I got away from it when I got sick and I haven’t picked it back up. Currently I’ll go for an occasional run here and there, but in general my running shoes have been abandoned.

Mitch decided that this year he wants to do a marathon. Seeing that it’s been a goal of mine for so long there was no way that I was going to just go and cheer him on during this great accomplishment. If not now, then when?

And so, I decided to run the marathon too.

It’s in the end of July, so I have some time to train and I’m starting tomorrow. But this is another one of those things - a true step into the zone of scary things. Just because they’re scary doesn’t mean they’re horror movie-esque. No, it’s more of a nervousness, which is ultimately more of an up-leveling.

Comfort is great, to an extent. Getting outside of that is where the magic happens. I feel like these days the act of getting outside of your comfort zone happens less and less. That awareness has inspired me to not fall into that category and instead, to do the scary things. That can be done through small tasks like heading to the coffeeshop or the yoga class after 3 years away. But it can also be going snowboarding or running the marathon. For me, I’m choosing to do both - big and small. I’ve come to realize that this is the true goal of 2023, and beyond. To truly live the life of my adventurous, goal-crushing dreams.

More to come.