Treading Water
In middle school swimming class we had to tread water for a certain period of time. It was a test and factored into our grade. I can’t remember how long we had to stay afloat but I want to say it was around 15 minutes.
It seemed like a really big deal at the time and it probably was. I know that some people couldn’t hang and had to tap out early so I believe that it was challenging. I also know that I was not one of those people to seek out the comfort of clutching onto the side of the pool. I fought whatever discomfort I was experiencing and I made it to the end, passing the test with flying colors.
Lately I feel like that’s what my life has been like. Not the part where I’m passing the test with flying colors. No. More like the part where I am treading water for a long period of time and fighting to stay afloat.
I don’t like to sound negative and like I’m complaining that my life is so hard. That’s not my intention. What I’m going for is more of a realistic embodiment that I can share publicly so that we can relate on real levels and not just send each other heart emojis in Instagram comments and feel like we’ve connected. I am striving for the balance between oversharing and never sharing at all. And I do it all in the name of creating content that matters because we need more of that in the world and less pointless TikTok’s.
There is so much content out there these days that is a waste of time. There is also a lot of content out there that is really valuable. But I often find that the valuable content is not absorbed with the respect that it deserves because there is a deep and obsessive hunger to scroll more and consume more.
I am looking to scroll less while still consuming more in the aspect of taking my time to marinate in that which I choose to let into my space.
And with this intention I feel that I have been met with a lot of pushback from the universe. The more that I’m looking to create space, the less space I have. The more I’m looking to grow and step into new levels on business and personal planes, the more obstacles fall in my way. The more clarity that Mitch and I receive on which ways we went to direct our future, the more the wind blows us the other way.
I hate the cliche nature of the saying but I know that it’s true - everything happens for a reason. But with each struggle I question how much more there is. I know that life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, and I don’t want it to be. That’s not what I’m striving for. But I also know that the level of struggle that has been coming our way is astronomical.
Just in the past three weeks I hit a deer, Lily got sick and had to go to the emergency vet, Mitch wrecked his car, …and then he hit a deer, Lily got sick again and is still recovering a week into it. I know these things happen but the rate that these things have been happening seems quite excessive.
And so that takes me back to middle school swimming class. Because right now it feels like I’ve been treading water for about three years and it’s all a really big deal in my world. But in the grand scheme of things, I know that I’ll look back on this time and see it from a different perspective.
It is truly all about perspective.
I have a lot of moving pieces in my life. My belongings are still packed away from the mold because I haven’t moved into a permanent space yet. I’m building my business while working full time. I’m not sure where Mitch and I will land in terms of a home location because we’re considering making some moves. I could easily swim to the side of the life pool and stop treading water. I could be content with my full time job or go get another one. I could just take Lily to the vet and let them give her another round of antibiotics instead of driving 90 minutes one way to the holistic vet. I could go rent a house in my hometown just to have a place to put my things “permanently.” I truly COULD do all of these things. But I’m not. Each day I consciously choose to not do those things. Sure, sometimes (especially lately, the sleep deprivation is real) I complain and wonder why things are the way they are. But I’m not getting out of the pool. I’m going to tread water until my arms fall off or until I reach that time limit where the energy shifts and things get just a little bit easier.
Because each day we have a choice. Actually, we have a couple of choices. We choose to show up and we choose how to show up. If your job is horrific and you continue to show up each day while not looking for something else, that is your choice. Each day and night I choose to continually take Lily out to poop an excessive amount of times. I could let her poop on the floor. But for many reasons I obviously choose not to let that happen. And with both of those circumstances we also get to choose how we show up. You could show up to the awful job with an awful attitude and make everything extra awful. Or you can show up to the awful job with a decent attitude and just maybe that could make things a bit better. And I could show up for Lily’s bathroom situation annoyed and frustrated that I’m heading outside every 2 hours in the middle of the night or I could do it with acceptance and enjoy the silence of a calm evening.
Right now I’m choosing to continue to tread water. I’m not paying any attention to the side of the pool. There are choices in all that we do, even (and especially) when we feel that there is no choice. We have the power to take that responsibility and do what we wish with it.
