Reemergence of the Self

It’s been a weird week. Not for any reason in particular. I’ve just been feeling weird. Waiting for Friday since Monday, but not really excited for the weekend either.

Generally speaking, things are good though. Typical. Nothing to complain about. My energy is just a little skewed this week.

To elaborate a bit more, this is where I’m really at.

I’m biking instead of running now. No more running until I don’t have ankle pain. I decided that last week and I’m happy to say that it’s been great. At first I was frustrated with that because I’m training for a marathon so I definitely need to be running, right?! Maybe not. Because biking has brought me great joy. I used to be an avid cyclist but the past 3 summers that has fallen away as I’ve been just surviving. My ankle pain is giving me the opportunity to get back to it. What a gift!

Speaking of the past summers, yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of receiving the second round of results about the levels of mold in the mold home. Which also means that today is the 2 year anniversary of ending the 6 year relationship that I was in.

Reflecting on that, it truly feels like a different lifetime. And to an extent, it was.

I am not who I was back then, not in the slightest. But also, I am the same person.

I was doing yoga yesterday. I’ve been practicing for an hour a day after intuitively re-following an old yoga account on Instagram that I used to follow.

I was reading in bed the other night and I thought about this person. I haven’t followed her for at least 5 years now. I haven’t even thought about her since unfollowing but that night she randomly came to mind. I tried to ignore it (because ya know, the whole no social media before bed thing) but couldn’t. I looked her up, which took a while because she changed her name, and when I found her I knew that there was something there for me.

Up to this point, I have slowly been getting back to running and more intense and consistent exercise in general. I haven’t gotten back into yoga in the same way though. I’ve been wanting to, but it hasn’t happened. That’s probably because yoga is intense. It’s you with yourself on your mat for an extended period of time every day.

I immediately subscribed to practice with this teacher and here we are. I’ve realized how much I’ve lost when it comes to fancy shape making but I also recognize how much I’ve gained in my 3 years away that I can bring into this space now.

I’m reviving my yoga practice, cycling, I’ve been consistently journaling every day this year, reading books, gardening, and much more.

These are all things that I did prior to the trauma years. These are things that I tried to implement back into my life many times since. I could never make it happen though. It never felt right. I could never be with it. For a while I thought that these things were no longer my things. But that’s not what was happening. I was simply metamorphosing. Stepping away so that I could come back anew.

Growth and change are constant. They are relentless and unforgiving. Sometimes we welcome them and other times we resist. It’s often hard to see what’s coming on the other side or to sit in the unknowingness of the darkness. But when you’re able to take those messes and turn thing into your message, you bloom and reemerge fresh, free, and ready to serve.