A Disbelief in God - My Recent Journey With Spirituality
To say that I have been spiritually disconnected for quite some time now would be an understatement.
Just like with most things, I don’t think that there was one specific thing that caused this to happen. Instead, it was a culmination of many things with recognition emerging like a hockey puck being hit into the stands. Unexpected and, in my case, a hit in the face.
When I came to understand how and why I have become so spiritually disconnected it all made sense. It was the missing puzzle piece being put into place. And once the puzzle was complete, I could take a good look at it and recognize exactly where to go from there.
I came into spirituality years ago. I grew up going to church and with a very base level of Christianity. Church was something I dreaded and as soon as I could stop going, I did. Throughout high school I basically had no spiritual or religious connection. After I graduated I started yoga strictly as a movement based practice to complement my running. From there I fell in love with yoga, did my first YTT, and things quickly transformed into involving spiritual components, as well.
I had very consistent spiritual practices for years… up until 2020. Like for most of us, 2020 rocked my world. Not in a good way. No. Quite the opposite actually. My dog, Roxy, died unexpectedly in March during the same week that the world shut down which was also a week after a family member died. That combined with the Covid debacle had me full on traumatized. I know that traumatized/trauma, triggered, PTSD, etc. is all very trendy and the phrases are quite overused, honestly, but sitting here 3.5 years out from the experience I can fully recognized just how traumatic that time period was and how it has affected me to this very day.
After March 2020 things didn’t let up. Challenge after challenge, trying time after trying time. I waded through grief and layer after layer of unfolding. Somehow, within that I began to walk away from the daily meditations, yoga practices, spiritual study, crystals, decks, reiki, etc. I still practiced on occasion, but the consistency was gone. I found that I could not sit with myself in the same way that I used to. Sitting down, closing my eyes, and meditating was impossible. Even guided meditations, not happening. Journaling, I couldn’t. Thinking about pulling up thoughts and taking the time to be present enough with them to put them on paper was nearly impossible.
And so, I just began to go about my days without much of those things. In the “new normal” of 2020, I was trying to find my footing of what that would begin to look like for me.
Mitch is a Christian. It was something he really came into on his own a few months into our relationship. Initially it was somewhat of a point of contention for us but over time we found our flow and respect within our differences for the most part. He’s more open to spirituality and energetics than your standard Christian, I would say. And I’m relatively open to Christianity too. But he’s still got those roots that I don’t and vice versa. Over the years we’d talk about religion/spirituality and I became more willing to try to revisit the teachings of my childhood from my present perspective. I was open to trying to read the Bible and get more immersed in that world. I did it for him, our relationship, and because my relationship with my own spirituality was rocky, at best. I was also seeing a lot of people in the online space, ones that I was friends with and ones that I just “follow,” turning to Christianity and walking away from the new age, woo woo, spiritual, whatever you want to call it space. I was intrigued and open even more so because of that, too.
For a year and a half I’d pick up the Bible to read it and it would just fall flat. I didn’t feel the spark and allure that Mitch and the many people on Instagram felt. I kept trying or intending to try and it just wasn’t there. I’d listen to podcasts of sermons and while they were mostly very nice, they weren’t giving me the same zest that things of my past did.
I got to the point where I felt nothing. Okay, maybe that’s not true. Because there is something that I felt. I felt anger. I was angry at God and I felt no connection to him. From that place I felt disconnected which I often equate to feeling “nothingness.” When something would go wrong I would get mad at God instead of lean in for support and then I would feel guilty for doing that. My tolerance to stress was (is) very low and my nervous system needs some serious tending too. I’m working on it. But currently when things go wrong, a lot of the time I am overwhelmed in an instant and react harshly because of the culmination of the past few years.
Swimming in choppy waters for three years, I had no time to catch my breath. When it felt like the waves were beginning to still, an even bigger one was upon the horizon. Within all of that and my new exploration of Christianity, I lost it. Connection, gone. That added a whole new layer of complication to things because from that place came the questioning.
Was my spiritual practice even real? Why wasn’t it strong enough to walk me through this? Am I not strong enough to walk through this? How do I go about reconnecting when I feel the way I do? Where do I start? What do I do?
Recently I was doing my morning routine. Ten minutes of mobility work followed by five minutes of breath work, journaling, drinking water and reading a book. It’s slowly turning into something I really savor as I continue to build and tend to it. One day I had some extra time and A Course In Miracles popped into my head. I made my way to the bookshelf and plucked it off of a stack of books on top that I want to get to soon or didn’t have the heart to put away yet because;
a - they’re staples that I adore. Think Harry Potter, cookbooks, Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
or b - they’re books I want to read and haven’t gotten to yet. Think Bitten by Kris Newby, Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, and Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman.
I flipped ACIM open to a page talking about healing.
“Fear produces dissociation because it induces separation. Healing always induces integration because it proceeds from harmony.”
Talk about resonating. I know that I have been living primarily in fear and I’ve been clawing for a way out without much reprieve. The separation was real. But in that holy instant it clicked. I needed to get back to my roots. It was time and it was where the healing would come from. The Bible and Christianity wasn’t giving me what I needed in this moment in time. Does that mean that I’ll throw it all away? No. But I do have a slight suspicion that once I really get back into the groove with my spirituality then the Bible will incorporate itself just as it’s meant to and while that might not look exactly how a lot of Bible readers believe it should look, that’s okay. I don’t need it to. And when it comes to spirituality in general, “loosing it” wasn’t a bad thing. I needed that time away from it all. Nothing was wrong with anything. It all was exactly as it should be. I couldn’t see it then, but I can see it now.
As I’m sure you know, absence of something can make your heart fonder. We often crave that which we don’t have. If you don’t really miss something, then it’s not something that you hold close to your heart. That’s okay. Let it go. But if it is something you come to miss then you understand the role that it plays in your life and from that understanding you can tend to the soil, plant some new seeds, and water them to create deep roots and beautiful growth.
Now I’m back at it. I’m practicing yoga here and there, doing a 30 day breath work challenge, laying with my crystals on my forehead, and feeling the reemergence of my past in a way that is integrating into the present and future.
The most important thing that I’ve come to remember is that it’s all okay and I’m finding my way. Even during times when it doesn’t feel like that is true. No one gets to determine what is true for you, except you.
As ACIM says, “In quietness all things are answered,” and I invite you to explore that. Sitting in the stillness and quietness.
I once had a teacher who said that if you don’t know the answer then you should sit with yourself until it comes. If the answer doesn’t come then you haven’t sat long enough. And I have found that to be true, too. There are a lot of reasons that we don’t sit in that space and let it all unfold. And just maybe, it’s not the right time to do so. Maybe you’re not meant to sit and receive the answer just yet. Or maybe you are. You’ll know which way to lean in each moment. The magic is stepping into the acceptance of whichever the answer is.
I am thrilled to be back home in the essence of my spiritual self. It feels amazing and that is the case because I realize what I didn’t have for a period of time. It’s who I am and it’s how I am, and I am so proud/grateful for that.
Always let yourself be guided by your inner truth. Let it lead you with a sense of curiosity and exploration. It will carry you on your perfect winding path of alignment, love, and truth.
