Marriage Counseling Reminiscing - Sacred Bonds and Boundaries In Relationships
Last July Mitch proposed to me on top of a mountain in the Adirondacks, one of my favorite places.
It had been a few years since I made a trip to upstate NY and he was down for a few days of hiking and exploring. The first day that we got there it was supposed to rain but we had a bit of time to get in a hike before the clouds rolled in and impacted the views. I chose a hike close to town to save us time. We hiked up and he proposed. I was completely surprised.
Stunned.
Shocked.
Even though we talked about it many times before I didn’t have any idea that it would happen then! It actually didn’t sink in for hours and days later.
After that we talked a lot about when to get married. Where would we do it? When would we do it? Who’s invited? We explored all of the questions as you do once you have a ring on your finger.
I’m not a wedding person. I have never dreamed of a big and fancy wedding. That’s actually a nightmare to me. I wanted easy and simple. If family wasn’t involved, I would have just went right back to the Adirondacks and did it there. But I felt like family should be there and so we made sure to make that happen.
We ended up deciding on October 10th. And we decided this literally a month beforehand.
Reflecting on that, it’s comical because I am sure that everyone figured that we were doing it so quickly because we were pregnant. NOPE. Not pregnant. Just out here doing things differently.
That came with a slew of opinions about a few different aspects of our lives, especially our living situation. But I’ve never been one to let others sway my choices. I don’t want to or have to do things like everyone else. (Neither do you.) And so in a month we would be getting married.
Mitch had someone in mind that he wanted to have marry us but he ended up not being available on that day so we sought out another pastor that he knows.
I didn’t really care who married us or about any of the logistics of the wedding. I wanted it to be stress-free and easy for everyone involved. Those were pretty much my only requirements.
And luckily the other pastor, Zach, was available on that Monday (yes, Monday) to marry us.
Zach said that he typically does multiple sessions of marriage counseling beforehand but since we didn’t have the time to make those sessions happen then we could do one big session.
I was dreading this.
We show up to the church on a sunny October day for our counseling. We settle into those type of chairs that don’t look comfortable and confirm your judgment by being completely uncomfortable. After a bit of small talk we get a rundown of what all we’re going to work through.
Ten months later, I couldn’t tell you most of what was said or discussed but I do remember one topic of discussion that stuck with both of us.
Boundaries.
Zach shared about the importance of boundaries and how to consistently implement them in the relationship.
Boundaries are something that we were aware of, just like everyone else. But they were also something that we weren’t practicing, just like… mostly everyone else.
I remember leaving the church and Mitch sharing how profound the boundaries conversation was for him. I’ve always been a pretty private person but upon discussion I recognized some areas where I was feeling called to implement more boundaries too. We talked a lot about that and haven’t stopped since.
Let’s get clear on what I’m talking about when I say boundaries.
Boundaries are a line that you do not allow to be crossed. They are your energy protector, stress reducer, and confidence booster.
They are saying “no.” without explanation and they are the recognition that other peoples feelings are not your responsibility.
I’d say that most of us grew up with a lack of firm boundaries displayed to us. You’ll see it in the people who put everyone before themselves, the ones who can never say no, the ones who keep the peace, and the ones who pry for information that isn’t naturally shared.
When someone comes along in the family who is ready to implement boundaries feathers start to get ruffled, dynamics shift, and they are often seen as the ones with and/or causing the issues. This can add even more complication and obstacles when it comes to refining the skill of proper boundaries. But anyone who has worked through this to become a boundary boss will tell you that the battle to reach that place was well worth it.
A lot of people say that things feel different after you get married. But also, a lot of people say that things don’t feel different after you get married. I didn’t really have any expectations in that department. After the ceremony we quickly came to realize was that everything was different. And that’s because we made it so. Things don’t just magically change. Sure, sometimes you can notice some energetic shifts, but generally speaking, to make change you have to start changing.
That’s what we did.
It takes two people to have a successful relationship. You both have to be on the same page and committed across the board. So when Mitch mentioned boundaries and how he would like to implement them in our relationship, especially with others, I listened. And we did it. Boom.
Now, that’s not to say that it was smooth sailing on a bright and sunny day. Not quite. In fact, it was the opposite. Stormy sailing. When you begin to implement boundaries, those who you are setting that boundary with will most likely not like it. And at first this will be hard for you. The pushback and tests will continue to come until you get to a place of setting that firm and final boundary.
By recognizing this, getting on the same page, staying on the same page, and implementing that which we knew would take us to the next level we found ourselves feeling totally differently in the relationship.
We didn’t begin to take our relationship seriously. Instead, we began to take it sacredly.
From that sacred place we weren’t just connected, we were intertwined. There is something special about knowing how committed, aligned, and protected the relationship is by the boundaries that you set. It provides a sense of peace, security, and ease that isn’t there when you lack that sacred space.
We knew the things that we were going through, working on, and building were best kept between us and within our sacred bubble. And in that space the differences post-wedding ceremony began to shine.
That’s something that I never expected to take away from our marriage counseling. But it’s very clearly just another example of expecting the unexpected and remaining open to the ride of life.
