Shining A Light On The Darkness - Health Updates

So, my health… it’s been better.

I came to revive this website and I got stuck in a rabbit hole of old posts, of course.

It was kind of sad to see a lot of them, actually.

So many years of me talking about healing. Seeing new practitioners. Starting new protocols. Doing new detox programs. Working on my mindset. Stepping away from veganism. Spending tons of money in desperation. Spending countless hours researching for answers.

And yet, here I am still doing the same thing.

It looks a lot differently now and I am proud of how far I’ve come. But the theme is still the same. I am experiencing a lot of feelings of being unwell. I don’t feel well but I look well so it seems like it’s all in my head or I’m dramatizing it. I very rarely let how I feel stop me from doing my daily life. Over the past month or so I’ve been to concerts, appointments, out to eat, get-togethers, etc. while feeling sick and unless I tell you about it, you would have no idea. And chances are that I'm definitely not telling you about it.

I don’t share for a few reasons. The main ones being, I don’t like the attention and I don’t want the pity. I see the way that people view “chronic illness” (I put it in quotes because I don’t like to call it that, a different story for a different day) and general health problems. I know that everyone means well and the compassion is appreciated, but the energy behind it is (usually unknowingly) of fear, doubt, and sometimes judgement that I don’t want attached to something I am in the process of eradicating from my life.

I also believe that words are so potent and the ones that you use are so important, so I don’t like to speak of my issues and essentially further solidify them as my reality. Thoughts become things. Constantly saying, “I’m so sick. I don’t feel good. I have a chronic illness. Etc.” is not serving me, and so, I typically avoid participating in that.

Getting to this space has been a long time coming. I still have a long way to go too. Because, as I said, I have been having a hard time lately with my health. What even is lately though? Especially when I’ve been writing about this in some capacity for years and years.

Which leads me to my point; what does it take for someone to truly heal? It’s very rarely a supplement, protocol, or detox. Those things all have their time and place, of course. But to get to a place of true foundational healing, what does it take?

I look at people like my fiancé, Mitch (you’ll meet him in future posts!!), who has really never struggled with health issues and I try to assess how and why that is. Are people without health issues ones that end up struggling and learning big lessons in other aspects of life? Are they to learn how to support those of us who do struggle when it’s not in their nature to do so?
And then I also look at people who struggle lifelong with chronic illnesses. Why? Why do some people heal and some people don’t? I know there is no magic formula so what is it that unlocks that door for certain people? Do some people just accept it as their reality while others don’t? And how much resistance against the current status of your health is healthy?

While I could elaborate on some of these questions a bit further, I don’t know the answers to them and I know that others don’t have the answers either. I will say that for me personally, I believe that this health and healing journey is more than just the physical. It has tested me on all levels time and time again. One day I know that I will reach a place where I feel at home in my body but for right now, I am still on that journey of getting there.

I’ve taken a break from protocols and most supplements for a few months now and in August my symptoms popped up with a vengeance. Complete takeover of my mind and body, hello.

Not many things provide you with the opportunity to drop into the present moment like debilitating health issues. You have a choice - you can either numb them or you can let them catapult you right into the present moment. Sure, there is a time and place to numb your pain but those times and places are so very rare. As a society we are masters at numbing the pain. Everyone is doing it and look where it’s gotten us. So like I said, there is a time and place, yes. But proceed with numbing very sparingly. On the other hand, feeling into the pain and uncovering why it’s there… that’s where the magic happens. It’s not easy. It will test you on all levels, but it is the path to true healing.

I’ve been on this specific journey of really working on my mindset, trauma, and subconscious beliefs. It’s a deep level of healing that I’m still navigating. Will I ever not be? Who knows. But after Roxy dying, almost dying from mold toxicity, going through a breakup of a 6 year relationship, and many more things in between, this was an area that needed lots of attention. I’ve been learning so much that has been shifting my perspectives on every aspect of health that I know these symptoms are popping up for a reason. There is always a reason. Things are always happening for you, not to you.

And that’s the lesson, that’s the magic. The knowing. The trust. The delicate balance of accepting where you’re at while knowing that this isn’t where you’ll always be. AND that the worst case scenarios that your mind always goes to most likely will not happen and is not where your mind always has to go.

We can shift, we can change. And we do, each day.

I’m taking steps to change in the direction that serves me on the highest level.

We run around and try to control so many aspects of our life and the outcomes of our circumstances but there is so much that is out of our control. Most of the control that we do have is nothing more than a false sense of safety. That false sense of safety keeps us running on fumes, feeling subconsciously (and often consciously) stressed, and blocking off the guidance that we’re all programed to divinely receive.

And that’s where I’m at. I’m working to rewrite all of the stories that I have written in all areas of health and healing to be able to clearly receive those messages. The task is monumental. But I’d rather take it on and work through it bit by bit than to stay in the place of constantly seeking the next thing and “controlling” every aspect of life as I make my way there.

More flow, less control. More receiving, less fear.

That is the way.

You with me?